I can still remember, vividly, that first day, of my first teaching job, when I walked into my assigned room, and threw my books and bags on the big desk at the front, thinking “Is this actually happening? Did they, in fact, hire me to TEACH?” I burst into laughter. Then I looked around the room, gray tables, chairs had been thrown together in a “U” so that each and every face would be focused on me. Scary. Ah! (Scary enough for sound effects).
But, the students weren’t there yet. The room was empty except for me and that low buzzing sound that comes from AV units, even when they’re unplugged. And there were about seven monitors lining the wall, blocking the windows. Part of the fun of lecturing in an English community college is that you are completely at liberty to make your room yours–at least for the two hour time slot and then you move on to the next gray room filled with AV equipment. But, anyway, I went about the task of moving the Televisions on Wheels to the back of the room and opening the blinds. Light is good in a classroom. Then I went about moving the tables and chairs into squares so that the students would be sitting in small groups and facing each other–that felt much better. I cleared the white board from someone’s previous lesson and, giggling, wrote my name, email and lesson objective on the board.
The thing is, and I’m admitting it, I had been trying to keep my mind busy enough so that I didn’t let certain thoughts enter my mind–especially that huge screaming one that said, “You’re just Playing Teacher.” It didn’t help any, when my students walked in, and I noticed that more than half of them were older than me. In my mind, age equals wisdom–and I seemed to be the least educated in the room. Of course it was only my insecurities getting the better of me because at the end of the day, I knew my topic and I knew how to teach it. After all, I had spent months planning lessons, taking refresher courses and compiling resources to be used liberally and in emergency. I was prepared, but I still didn’t feel ready.
Even now, I feel sometimes that I’m “Playing Writer” and while I have the knowledge and the skills, I’m not going to get over my insecurities until I work through them and tell myself that I am capable of doing this task I have set for myself. Sometimes when I’m talking about my book, I start to laugh or I apologize for my story. I’m scared I’m not going to live up to the things I’m saying about writing. I’m worried how someone will react to the words I have placed together–I mean, I want to be taken seriously. And I’m really good at talking the talk. I’m friggin awesome at talking the talk, if only that were the only thing I had to do! But, I have to walk the walk. Write the writing I’m always talking the talk about. Even these thoughts, these concepts are not completing themselves as I’d like them to–it sounded so much better in my head. I must be crazy because, I just have this compulsion to…
Ready, Steady, Go!
I’ve often wondered how many writers really have enough self-confidence to be successful. And I had similar thoughts when I was first starting out in editing. But someone filled me in on the philosophy of “Fake it until you make it,” and that’s worked for me.
Act like a writer, talk like a writer, believe in your success as a writer, and you ARE a writer!
Playing Editor, eh? I’d like to do that one day too. I really admire you for “growing” your own business and love hearing about your manuscripts and what you’re working on–it’s so varied.
I do feel like a writer, now, that I’m writing so much and not just for myself, but I feel like a fledgling…and that’s okay.
Ditto what Jill said!
From what I can tell / what I’ve read, a LOT of writers are plagued with doubt. Even the ones who in the end think they’re the sh*t — when they’re drafting, they worry about quality and expectations and all that jazz.
So I think it’s a bit inevitable in a job like this, one that depends on others to like your work, that you will struggle with doubts. But like you and Jill said: you just do it.
I have a feeling all artists feel these feelings. I know every writer I’ve ever met sure does. (and I know plenty of writers) In fact, it’s so common it is cliche.
(take comfort in that)
I believe…I KNOW that we improve with practice, reading, honing our craft.
Write on!
Love,
Lola
take comfort in cliche…alright, well, maybe just this one!
“I feel sometimes that I’m “Playing Writer” – This sums up what I have been feeling for a bit now.
I know, right? And “Playing Blogger” hehe. Joelle, you should put a link up for your blog so other people can read it. xx
I do think that what Jill and others have said is right…just go with it!
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